Help in Massachusetts
TOLL FREE! PET LOSS HOTLINES
Grief Recovery
Hotline (800) 445-4808 Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm PST The Grief Recovery
Institute (888) 773-2683 The Iams Pet Loss
Support Center & Hotline (888) 332-7738 Monday thru Saturday, 8am to 8pm
College
of
Veterinary Medicine at the University of Illinois C.A.R.E. Pet Loss Helpline (877) 394-2273
http://net.cvm.uiuc.edu/CARE/ The C.A.R.E. Helpline is staffed by veterinary students who have have received training
from grief counselors. They also receive supervision from a licensed psychologist.
American Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) National Pet Loss Hotline 424 East 92nd St., New York, NY 10128 (800) 946-4646, 24 hours a day - use your keypad to punch in the pin number 140-7211 and
then your own phone number. The call will be returned immediately. Contact:
Stephanie LaFarge, Ph.D New York City residents may be seen in person at the ASPCA headquarters.
University of
California - Davis, School of Veterinary Medicine, Pet Loss Support Hotline (800) 565-1526
6:30pm to 9:30pm PST Monday thru Friday Summer Hours: 6:30pm to 9:30pm PST Tuesday thru Thursday Calls may be returned collect if no counselor is currently available.
Pet Loss Support
Pet Friends (800) 404-PETS P.O. Box 131 Moorestown, NJ 08057-0131 Long distance calls will be returned collect.
University of
Florida Pet Loss Support Hotline, Gainesville (352) 392-4700, Ext. 4080
Staffed by University of Florida Veterinary students Calls will be returned 7pm to 9pm EST
Website -
http://neuro.vetmed.ufl.edu/alt_med/petgrief/petloss.htm
This hotline will call back anyone, anywhere, at no cost to the caller.
PET LOSS HOTLINES
The Chicago Veterinary Medical
Association Pet Loss Support Helpline Emil and Mary Baukert. C/O Riser Animal Hospital, 5335 W. Touhy Ave., Skokie, IL
60077 (630) 603-3994 This Helpline was established in 1993. It provides referral materials on professional
grief counseling and information packets on the areas of children & grief, euthanasia,
pet loss & the elderly, and a pet loss bibliography. A volunteer will pick up voice
messages and call back between 7pm and 9pm CST every evening. Long distance calls will be
returned collect. Companion Animal Association of
Arizona Pet Grief Support Hotline P.O. Box 5006, Scottsdale, AZ 85261-5006 (602) 995-5885 This helpline is operated by trained volunteers 24 hours a day. Long distance calls will
be returned collect. Delta Society Pet Loss Support
Hotline Palm Springs Network 146 Pali, Palm Springs, Ca 92264 (619) 320-3298
Michigan State University Pet
Loss Support, College of Veterinary Medicine Clinical Center, C-100 East Lansing, MI 48824 (517) 353-5064 Contact:
Sally Walshaw, M.A., V.M.D.
The Hotline is staffed by veterinary student volunteers from 6:30pm to 9:30pm EST on
Tuesdays, Wednesdays & Thursdays. Tufts University Pet Loss
Support Hotline (508) 839-7966 Hours: Monday thru Friday, 6:00pm to 9:00 pm EST
Companion Animal Hospital Pet
Loss Support Hotline Box 35, College of Veterinary Medicine, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY
14853-6401 (607) 253-3932 Hours: 6:00pm to 9:00pm EST, Tuesday thru Thursday
Virginia-Maryland Regional
College of Veterinary Medicine Pet Loss Support Hotline (540) 231-8038
Hours: Tuesday and Thursday, 6:00pm to 9:00pm EST
APLB SUPPORT CHAT ROOMS
The
Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement's Chat Rooms are designed to
provide a safe and supportive
haven for those who have lost a beloved animal companion. Discussions are not
ones for social chatting, as they are solely designated to cover topics related
to pet loss and bereavement. It is important to
note that while these chat rooms are caring
and highly effective discussions, they should not be confused with clinical
psychological counseling sessions. Rather, the focus is solely on pet
bereavement. Although the tone is
one of compassion and constructive supportiveness, this association cannot always
regulate the variables that may arise in such an environment. In addition, advice or
other considerations that are offered should not be construed as part of a
professional counseling session. Those who are newly bereaved and visiting
a chat room for the first time
should try to come in as early as possible. In that way, more
individual attention can be provided as chats can get crowded later on in the
sessions. Friday night, 8 - 10, EST. Dr. Wallace Sife, Moderator, Ellie
Waldron, Co- host, and Karen Borga and Connie Starr,
Assistant Hosts
Sunday afternoon, 2 - 4, EST. Sarah Robinson,
Moderator, and Valerie Brideau, Assistant Host
Monday night, 8 - 10, EST. Ursula Brower, Moderator,
Sarah Robinson and Laurie Koen Co-hosts, and Sue Laue,
Assistant Host
Wednesday night, 8 - 10, EST. Ellie Waldron,
Moderator, Gayla Stone and Deborah Norman, Assistant
Hosts
Anticipatory Chat: Thursday night, 8 - 10, EST. Lois
Roach, Moderator, and Jenny Wilson, Assistant Host
Dr. Sife, Ellie, and Ursula can be reached
at aplb@aplb.org
if you are in deep
bereavement and need to communicate before their next scheduled chat
time.
To enter a chat room session, just
click here.
PET LOSS SUPPORT GROUPS &
COUNSELORS
A.T.R. Counseling Service 399 Neponset St., Canton, MA 02021 (781) 828-3717 Contact: Ann T. Resca, NCC, LMHC With over 28 years in experience, Ann specializes in grief, loss and personal
counseling. Grief/loss counseling includes pet loss for adults and adolescents, support
groups, and speaking engagements.
Companion/Service Pet
Bereavement Grief and Loss (888) 690-0240 Contact: Barbara J. Morse, MSW, CCSW Ms. Morse provides counseling and consulting services for any age individuals and
groups. She also provides telephone consultations, home and veterinarian visits, and
conducts educational seminars. Offices are located in both South New Hampshire and
Massachusetts. MSPCA Pet Loss Support Program;
Individual Counseling and Consulting Services 350 S. Huntington Ave., Boston, MA 02130 (617) 522-7400
Tufts University School of
Veterinary Medicine Center for Animals and Public Policy 200 Westboro Rd, North Grafton, MA 01536 (508) 839-7991
Ann Resca, NCC, LMHC 399 Neponset Street Canton, MA 02021 (781) 828-3717
Cheryl Nahas, MA, LMHC Stoneham, MA 02180 (781) 438-1425 Email:
CherylTxst@aol.com
Coping
With Pet Loss Stefanie Schwartz, DVM, MSc, DACVB
For pet lovers, the death of a cherished companion can be as
painful as the death of a relative or friend. In fact, the
death of a pet can affect some of us even more than the
death of a relative or friend. All of us have distinctive
and unique relationships with every pet that becomes part of
our lives. The loss of one might impact us more than the
loss of another, but they each shape us in their own way.
Grieving for your pet is the same as mourning the death of a
human being. The difference lies only in the value that is
placed on your pet, or pets overall, by your family and by
society in general.
Our pets come to symbolize many things. They can represent a
child, perhaps a child that was lost, or one yet to be
conceived, or the innocent child in us all. They may reflect
the ideal mate or parent, ever faithful, patient, and
welcoming, loving us unconditionally. Our pets become our
playmates and siblings. They reflect our inner selves, and
become the embodiment of many of the qualities, good and
bad, that we recognize or lack in ourselves. Every member of
your family will have a distinctive relationship with the
same pet, and you might even relate to the same pet in a
different way through the day. Because your pet means
different things to other people in your family or circle of
friends, they may not share the same depth of emotion that
you do when you grieve for your pet’s loss.
When a pet becomes terminally ill or dies, it is natural to
hope that your pain will be acknowledged, even if it is not
shared, by your support group of family, friends, and
coworkers. Although you may value your pet as much or more
than many of your relationships with people, the
significance of your loss may not be fully appreciated by
those you turn to for support. Your grief may be intensified
if you are disappointed by the lack of empathy from someone
you turn to for support. You do not need approval to justify
the pain you feel because of the loss of your pet. You do
not need to justify your feelings to anyone. On the other
hand, understand that not everyone can appreciate the joy
you experienced with your pet, or how their loss has
shattered your world. Perhaps they are distracted with their
own turmoil, and simply are not emotionally available to you
right now.
Move toward people who show you compassion. They may emerge
from the least expected places. Open yourself to colleagues
at work; you might make a new friend. Validate your pain
with people who understand, such as your veterinarian,
veterinary technician, groomer, or another pet owner. A
local pet grief support group or bereavement might provide
the comfort you need.
The death of a pet can trigger painful memories to
resurface. It is usual to be confronted with issues from the
past that were long buried but unresolved. These could
complicate your stress. Still, you are not alone. Find
solace with your favorite clergy, or with professional
counselors in your area. Despite your grief, this is an
opportunity to grow. The time you had with your pet, however
brief, made your life more glorious and meaningful. This is
a gift that exceeds their passage.
Stages of Grief Grief is a universal experience. It is a normal response to
an individual’s own terminal illness, or to the loss of a
treasured being, human or animal. Bereavement is the general
term that includes mourning, the public display of loss, and
grieving, which is a more private experience.
There are five stages of normal grief, but every individual
will experience it differently. The five stages do not
necessarily follow in order, nor are they felt with the same
intensity or duration. It is normal to bounce between stages
before reaching a sense of peace. The death of your pet will
probably force you to contemplate your own mortality, even
questioning your own belief system. The common denominator
between us all, and what helps us to survive our grief, is
hope. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as
there is hope, there is life.
Denial and Isolation: It is completely normal, and even
necessary to our survival, to first deny reality when it is
too painful. In the face of overwhelming emotions, denial is
a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of a
situation. We block out the words and hide from the facts.
This temporary response floats us through the first wave of
pain.
Anger: The masking effects of denial and isolation fade, and
the pain of reality returns whether you are ready or not.
Perhaps as a way to deflect unbearable emotion away from
your vulnerable core, it is turned outward and expressed as
anger instead. Your anger might be aimed at inanimate
objects, or redirected onto complete strangers, family or
friends. You might even feel angry at your pet, who is the
source of your pain, even though your rational side reminds
you it is not your pet’s fault. Still, it is normal to
resent your pet for causing you such pain or for leaving
you. You might even feel guilty for being angry, and this
could anger you further.
You might take your anger out on the veterinarian who first
diagnosed your pet’s illness, failed to cure your pet, or
performed your pet’s euthanasia. Veterinary professionals
may deal with death and dying every day, but that does not
make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to
their grieving guardians. If you need to, ask your
veterinarian for extra time or just one more explanation of
your pet’s condition and treatment options. Arrange for a
special appointment or telephone time with you. You are
entitled to clear answers about your pet’s diagnosis and
treatment. Discuss the potential cost of treatment options.
Inquire about a referral to a veterinary specialist who
might provide more advanced care. Discuss burial plans.
Understand the options available to you. Take your time;
write things down. Honest and open communication with your
veterinarian now is a long-term investment in your
professional relationship and emotional health.
Bargaining: No one likes to feel helpless. It is perfectly
normal to try to regain control and feel less vulnerable. In
this next stage, you might find yourself trying to stabilize
the present state of turmoil by rationalizing the past and
even the future. Your thoughts will be flooded by questions
that start with ‘what if’ and ‘if only’... If only you had
gone to the clinic sooner, what if you get a second opinion
from another doctor, what if you had changed our pet’s diet,
if only your pet would recover...you might make a deal with
God or your higher power in an attempt to change the dismal
outcome. The bargaining stage is a weaker line of defense
that makes a final, almost desperate attempt at protecting
us from the inevitable.
Depression: There are two types of depression associated
with grief: The first one is a reaction to more practical
considerations, such as the cost of treatment and burial. We
feel guilty for spending less time with others because of
our grief. Sometimes it helps to have simple clarification
and reassurance that we haven’t let anyone down. A bit of
helpful cooperation and a few kind words can go a long way
to boosting our spirits.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a way,
more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate from
and to say goodbye to a beloved friend. Sadness and regret
predominate this stage. Sometimes all you really need is a
hug.
Acceptance: Not everyone reaches this stage of grief. Some
may never progress beyond denial, or may remain angry. It is
important to work through each phase, however it comes, so
that you can achieve a sense of closure. Finding peace in
your heart is a gift. This phase is characterized by
withdrawal and calm. It is not a period of happiness but it
is different from depression.
Pets who are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a
final period of withdrawal, too. This does not mean that
they are aware of their own mortality. Perhaps physical
decline produces a similar response. Their behavior,
however, suggests that limited social interaction is natural
near death. The last gift that our dying pets give us is the
example of their dignity and grace.
Explaining Pet Loss to Your Child We instinctively want to protect our children from hurt and
harm. Surprisingly, most children soon adjust to the death
of a pet if they are prepared with honest, simple
explanations. Children begin to process the concept of death
from a young age, even though they may not consciously be
aware of it.
It will be more difficult for a child to resolve grief for a
lost pet if the child is not told the truth. Adults should
avoid terms such as ‘put to sleep’ during discussions about
the euthanasia of a family pet. Some children have
misunderstood this common but unfortunate expression and
have developed a terror of going to bed and falling asleep.
This expression, and others like it, is not helpful to the
child and imply the adult’s own denial of dealing with
death. Another commonly used explanation to children is that
‘God has taken’ the pet. This has been known to create
conflict in children, who could become angry at God or their
parent’s beliefs, for being so cruel to them and their pets.
Each in their own way, children can understand that life
must end for all living things. Your goal should be to
acknowledge their pain, support their grief, and validate
their every emotion. The death of your pet is an important
opportunity to teach your children that you can be relied
upon for comfort and reassurance. Encourage your children to
express their innermost feelings. Losing your pet can make
your family reach out to each other, and become closer and
stronger for it.
Grief in Pets Dogs and cats develop strong emotional bonds with people as
well as with other pets. They can develop signs of
depression or anxiety, such as loss of appetite and social
withdrawal, in response to the death of a close companion.
These reactions are usually brief, but serious or prolonged
reactions following the death of another member of the
household (human or nonhuman) are reported. For example,
episodes of house soiling and destructiveness are common.
This does not mean that pets understand the concept of
death, however, they certainly can feel emotional pain
caused by the absence of an attachment figure. In every way,
grief is an extreme form of separation anxiety. From this
perspective, your pets may well react to death.
Part of the emotional reaction and recovery of surviving
pets will also depend on you. The behavior and mood of your
pets will necessarily be impacted by your deep sadness.
During your initial phases of grief, your remaining pets may
get less attention, exercise and playtime with you. If your
dog or cat shows any change in behavior or health following
the loss of a housemate, consult your veterinarian. A
referral to a veterinary behavior specialist will help them
to cope. Although this is a difficult time for, it is
important to maintain your daily schedule of walks, feeding,
or play time. This will help your surviving pets to adjust,
and will also be very comforting to you.
Reasons for Euthanasia Regardless of whether the death of our pets is sudden and
unexpected or comes at the end of a slow decline, we are
never fully prepared to lose them or aware of what they have
brought to our lives until they are gone. Your involvement
with their final passing may be passive. Perhaps you simply
chose not to pursue additional treatment in an older pet.
Perhaps there was no cure available and the best treatment
option was to control pain and make them as comfortable as
possible. Perhaps their illness or an accident took them
from you suddenly.
We secretly hope that our pets will pass peacefully. We
would prefer to find them curled comfortably in their
favorite sunny spot. If you are in the position of having to
take an active role in your pet’s ultimate destiny, however,
the impact of his or her death could be quite different.
Euthanasia is the induction of painless death. In veterinary
practice, euthanasia is accomplished by the intravenous
injection of a concentrated dose of anesthetic. There may be
slight discomfort as the needle tip passes through the skin,
but this is no greater than for any other injection. It will
take just seconds to induce a total loss of consciousness,
followed by respiratory depression and cardiac arrest.
Doctors of veterinary medicine do not take this option
lightly. Like our human counterparts, our lives are
dedicated to the diagnosis and treatment of disease. We,
too, pledge to do no harm to the patients in our care.
Veterinarians must continually balance the benefits of
extending an animal’s life versus prolonging suffering.
Euthanasia can be merciful if it ends a pet’s suffering.
The request for euthanasia of a pet is the most difficult
decision a pet owner can make. You may resent being charged
with so much power. You may feel angry at your pet for
forcing you to make such a painful decision. You might
postpone your decision, hoping that if another day goes by
your decision will be unnecessary. Guilt sits heavily on the
one who must decide. There are two fundamental guidelines to
help make your decision clearer:
* Do what is best for your pet, even if you temporarily
suffer for it. * Do what will cause you the least amount of regret later.
Your pet deserves a painless death, but you have the right
to live a happy life.
Grief and mourning are individual experiences. Some of us
are more private and appear to recover more quickly. Some
pet owners become angry at the mere suggestion of looking
for another pet, while others find great comfort in
acquiring a new pet right away. In their grief, pet owners
may feel disloyal to the memory of their deceased pet. There
is no rush. No pet can replace the one you lost, but if you
choose to get other companions, they will make another place
in your heart that is all their own. Try not to make
comparisons to the pet that preceded them. Appreciate any
new pets as individuals and love them for who they are, not
for who they remind you of.
The following list of questions is offered to help you make
some difficult decisions in an emotional time. The list is
intended to guide you, but only you know what is best for
you and yours. Resist feeling pressured to make decisions if
you are not ready to make them. Speak with people who can
provide additional clarity or options. Consider what will
bring you the least cause for regret after your pet is
gone...
- What is the current quality of your pet’s life? Is your
pet in pain?
- Is your pet eating, playful and affectionate toward you?
- Is your pet very tired and withdrawn most of the time?
- Is there something you can do to make your pet more
comfortable?
- Are other treatment options available? Would referral to a
veterinary specialist help you make a clearer choice or
improve your pet’s quality of life?
- If a behavior problem has caused you to consider
euthanizing your pet, have you consulted a veterinary
behavior specialist?
- Are you increasingly frustrated, angry or resentful
because of the impact of your pet’s declining health or
behavior on your own quality of life?
- Are your negative emotions impacting your pet’s desire to
be near you?
- How would the quality of your life change if your pet were
not with you?
- Do you want to be present if you choose to euthanize your
pet or would you prefer to say your goodbyes before and not
be present?
- Do you prefer to be alone or invite a family member or
friend for support?
- Have you thought about making special burial arrangements
such as cremation or private burial? Your veterinarian can
help you with these arrangements, and might also be able to
temporarily store your pet’s body to give you time to decide
when you are feeling better)
- Do you want to adopt another pet right away?
- Would it be better to take the time to heal from your loss
before thinking about opening your heart and home to another
pet?
- What can you do to turn your pain into something positive?
(e.g. donation to a pet shelter or veterinary teaching
hospital; volunteer at a veterinary clinic; put together a
special photo album or scrapbook full of happy memories;
write a poem; visit a long lost friend or relative; work out
at the gym; take a class; start a new hobby...)
PET LOSS CEMETERIES AND
CREMATORIES
Acushnet: Kempton Memorial,
358 Middle Road, Acushnet MA 02745, 508-995-2921
Bedford: Kanine Corner, 40 North Rd., Bedford, MA 01730-1051, (617) 861-0206
Boston: Memorial Services for Pets, http://www.MemorialServicesForPets.com -
offers graveside services and eulogies in the Boston area.
Dedham: Animal Rescue League, 238 Pine St., Dedham, MA 02026-4005, (617)
426-9170
Foxboro: Pet Memorial Park, Foxboro, MA 02035, (508) 543-0331
Methuen: Hillside Acre Animal Cemetery, 400 Broadway, Methuen, MA
01844-2052, (508) 687-1140, http://www.mspca.org/about/hillsideacre.html,
jmullen@mspca.org
Middleboro: Angel View Pet Cemetery, 465 Wareham St., Middleboro, MA 02346,
(508) 947-4103
Plymouth: Pleasant Mountain Pet Rest, 76 Liberty St., Plymouth, MA 02360,
(508) 746-5550
Sandwich: Forestdale Pet Memorial Park, Route 130, Sandwich, MA 02563, (508)
477-0990
The above resources only serve as a guide.
Although I am a Nationally Certified School Psychologist published in the field
of human loss and bereavement (Stress and Illness in the
Family: A Linear versus Family Life Space Perspective; The Child with Cancer: A
Life Space Study of Six Families), I do not have personal knowledge of the expertise
of any of those persons or facilities providing these pet loss services.
Rochelle Lesser, School Psychologist President & Founder
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