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 The Bill of Golden Rights
Adapted from
Too Proud to Beg |
The right to go out for long walks.
The right to go out for rides to cool places.
The right to have a treat, of our choosing.
The right to have the freedom to go wherever we please.
The right to Golden-accessible refrigerators.
The right to have lower kitchen countertops.
The right to meet and stay in touch with our biological parents.
The right to have litter visitation rights.
The right to TV with close-captioning by a Golden interpreter.
The right to be fitted with looser, more comfortable collars.
The right to be a member in the Mr. Steak Birthday Club.
The right to have better garbage to dig around in.
The right to bury perfectly good stuff for no reason.
The right to dig up & rebury this good stuff for no reason.
The right to interview and then choose our masters.
The right to have a more politically-correct Golden Language.
Instead of using the word
"Command" say Suggestion.
Instead of using the word "Dog"
say Domestic Partner.
Instead of using the word "Pet"
say Roommate.
Instead of using the word
"Groomer" say Spa.
Instead of using the word
"Master" say Master Chef.
Instead of using the word
"Owner" say Automatic Door Opener.
The right to go out for long walks.
The right to go out for rides to cool places.
The right to have more treats, of our choosing.
The right to have even more treats, of our choosing.
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Let Sleeping
Dogs Lie? NOT! |
Whoever said let sleeping dogs lie didn't sleep with dogs. The
first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the
striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog
at rest.
Rule Number 1
The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who
sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the
heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more
appropriate part of the bed.
Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they
have achieved the center position on the bed, with all covers
carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll
method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics
are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a
sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four
legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.
Rule Number 2
Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you
cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup
begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible.
Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling,
running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of
canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running," lots of
eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through
the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call
haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup
insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel
Boon cap.
Rule Number 3
The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night
creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by
a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh
sleeps, breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's
dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant
method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from
a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent
results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over
your sleeping bodies, or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an
unsuspecting ear.
Rule Number 4
When the dog wakes, you wake. So, why do we put up with
this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack
and a pack heaps together at night, safe, contented, heavy and loud. |
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Dog Owners Fitness Program |
You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results
from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment.
If you have (or can borrow) a Golden, you have everything you need to get in shape now!
The following exercises can (and will) be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs:
Place the Golden's favorite toy
between thighs. Press tighter than the Golden can pull. Do not attempt bare legged -
Goldens who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the Golden - off the couch, off the bed, out of
the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the Golden ages, this exercise is reversed -
onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.
Balance and Coordination:
Exercise 1: Remove your pup from
unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your
Golden bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove
all Goldens from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.
Exercise 4: (alternate) For older Goldens,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly Golden.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy.
Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous. (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug
the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the Golden gives up (we all
know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from locked jaw. This exercise
is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is
a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist)
to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming
clenches.
Calves: After the Golden has worn out the rest of
your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the Golden tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bone and small dogs. Have you taken
your calcium supplement today? (alternate) Run after Golden - pick any reason, there
are plenty. Goldens of any size can be used for this exercise.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your
ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A Golden is never too
old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.
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Dog-Aholics Anonymous |
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dog-Aholics
Anonymous". Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you
here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are o.k. and that you really don't need
any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring
yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you.
I have some questions to ask you:
1. Can you say bitch in public without
blushing?
2. Do you drive a station wagon, van, or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
4. Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties, and
seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
6. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
7. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
8. Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
9. Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, WC, Ch, and OTCh?
10. Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines, and premium lists?
11. Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?
12. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
13. Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover, or squeaky toys?
14. When you meet a new person, do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and
pity
them if they don't have one?
15. Do you find yourself referring to people as "Rover's Mom" or "Rover's
Dad"?
16. Do you find non-dog people boring? If you answered YES
to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered "YES" to two, you are
in serious trouble. If you answered "YES" to three or more, you have come to the
right place. My advice to all of you who answered "YES" to three or more
questions is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that
your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs, and it will never be
boring.
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Top
10 Signs Your Golden's Watching Too Much
TV
Best Friends Magazine,
3/99 |
| 10 |
Cancels every channel except for that of
Animal Planet |
| 9 |
Barks in Spanish whenever you pass by a Taco
Bell |
| 8 |
Only will eat food that is "preferred
by 9 out of 10 champion dog trainers" |
| 7 |
Starts looking worried after seeing The
Operation on The Learning Channel |
| 6 |
Throws a hissy fit whenever Ross kisses
Rachel on Friends |
| 5 |
Races in to watch Stupid Human Tricks on The
Letterman Show |
| 4 |
Tapes over your entire video library with
reruns of Rin Tin Tin |
| 3 |
Flicks his or her tail up and down to the
ticking stopwatch on 60 Minutes |
| 2 |
Gets a confused look when Timmy calls Lassie
a "good girl" |
| 1 |
Sees Dateline and then wants to meet his or
her biological mother |
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At Least He Didn't Get the
Book
Thrown at Him |
 Amazing But True Dog Tales was written by Bruce Nash and Allan Zullo
and published by Andrews and McMeel in October 1994. The book is filled with funny, and
amazing animal facts. There are dogs who go to sea, dogs who make coffee, and dogs who
earn money for widows and orphans. Have fun checking out the following story about Golden
Retriever, Wofford, just one of the many amazing tales in this fun book!A Golden Retriever named Wofford loves to sink his teeth into a good book —
literally. Unfortunately, his penchant for literary works landed him in court. Wofford,
owned by David Viccellio, of Norfolk, Virginia, has a thing about books. "Our family
likes to read, so there are books everywhere," explained Viccellio. "Whenever a
guest comes over, Wofford ill pick up a book with his teeth and hand it to him. He just
loves books, especially paperbacks." Other times, the book hound will curl up in a
corner with a good book.
One day in 1993, the dog slipped through a broken slat in the backyard fence and sauntered
over to the Larchmont branch library next door. The back door had been left open to catch
a breeze, so Wofford trotted inside. Seeing all those books, Wofford couldn't resist
taking one. He snatched a children's book off a little table and, being a friendly pooch,
headed over to where the people were — at the checkout counter. "There he was,
standing by the desk," recalled Albert Ward of the library staff. "Waiting very
patiently. Behaving like you should in a library."
After doing a double-take, one of the librarians called the phone number on Wofford's
collar, hoping to talk to the owner. But no one was home. "I got a message on my
answer machine that said, 'This is the library. Your dog is trying to check out a book and
he doesn't have a card,' " recalled Viccellio. "In fact, the librarian left
several messages and finally they called the animal control people."
Viccellio arrived moments before Wofford was going to be hauled off to the pound. The
owner was handed the dog — and a summons to appear in court for having a dog at large
and not having a dog license. "I showed Wofford the summonses, and they got his
attention," said Viccellio. "He was burying bones out in the yard. I guess he
felt we weren't going to feed him if things went badly in court."
When Viccellio appeared before Judge William Oast, the judge read the details of the case
and asked him, "Was the dog trying to take a book out of the library?" "No,
your honor," said Viccellio. "He wasn't taking it. He was in the checkout line
when they found him." "Well, that's good to hear," said Oast.
The understanding judge didn't throw the book at the dog. Instead, he dropped the charges
against Wofford, but ordered Viccellio to pay court costs of $28. Reading about the zany
case in the newspapers, students at an elementary school in Virginia Beach, Virginia, gave
Wofford a gift — his very own school library card.
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Not In My Backyard |
This strip
above is from Dale Taylor, a famous animator and personal admirer of our page. You
can check out Dale's comic strip about dogs, entitled "Not In My Backyard" at
http://nimby.net. He is one cool, and talented cartoonist with
the Forth Worth Star-Telegram. And, his webpage is awesome.
Not only can you have loads
of laughs there, but Dale has something called GuestStar Weekends, where Oscar interviews
important animals from various places like animal rescue sites. And, check this out! He
interviewed our very own Ollie for the weekend of November 28th and 29th, 1998. And, he
actually drew the comic below just in honor of our Ollie. Now, what could be more cool?
Want to know what the interview said? Just click
HERE! |
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You Know You've
Waited Too Long to
Find a Mate when.... |
| 1 |
You think stripping is something you do to a
terrier. |
| 2 |
You think nothing about loudly discussing
studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant. |
| 3 |
The first thing you notice about a guy is
what breed of dog he has. |
| 4 |
Your biggest turn-off is a guy with an
obnoxious untrained dog. |
| 5 |
You have ruled out a guy as a prospective
date based on breed of dog he owns. |
| 6 |
Your only nice jewelry features either dogs,
dumbbells, or rosettes. |
| 7 |
You give all of your married friends
child-rearing advice based on your background in dog training. |
| 8 |
Your mother's worst fear is you'll get
married and your dog will be in the wedding party. |
| 9 |
You actually have friends whose dogs HAVE
been part of the wedding party. |
| 10 |
When your cousin tells you how much her
wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you. |
| 11 |
When you lament about chronic yeast
infections, your pals don't know you're talking about your dog's ears. |
| 12 |
You think that people with bad bites
shouldn't be allowed to breed. |
| 13 |
When someone mentions single bars, you
wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps. |
| 14 |
All of your friends always include your dog
in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left....the others have stopped inviting
you places because you insist on bringing the dog! |
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How to
Photograph a Golden Pup in 29 Simple Steps! |
| 1 |
Remove the film from its box
and load your camera. |
| 2 |
Remove the film box from
your Golden puppy's mouth. |
| 3 |
Now throw the film box in
the trash. |
| 4 |
Remove your Golden puppy
from the trashcan. |
| 5 |
Brush all of the crumbs off
of his muzzle. |
| 6 |
Choose a suitable background
for your photograph. |
| 7 |
Mount your camera on a
tripod and then focus it. |
| 8 |
Go see where your Golden has
run off to. |
| 9 |
Now remove the dirty sock
from your Golden's mouth. |
| 10 |
Place your Golden puppy in
the pre-focused spot. |
| 11 |
Now return to your camera. |
| 12 |
Forget about this special
spot. |
| 13 |
Instead, go crawling after
your Golden puppy on your knees. |
| 14 |
Focus your camera in one
hand. |
| 15 |
And fend off your Golden
puppy with your other hand. |
| 16 |
Get some tissue to clean the
nose print off your camera lens. |
| 17 |
Take the flash cube out of
your Golden puppy's mouth. |
| 18 |
Throw the cube in the trash.
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| 19 |
Put your cat outside. |
| 20 |
Now put peroxide on the
scratch it left on your Golden's nose. |
| 21 |
Put the magazines back on
the family room table. |
| 22 |
Get your Golden's attention
by squeaking a toy over your head. |
| 23 |
Replace your broken glasses
with another pair. |
| 24 |
Now check your camera for
damage. |
| 25 |
Jump up in time to grab your
Golden puppy. |
| 26 |
Now say, "No, outside!
No, outside!" |
| 27 |
Call another family member
to come help & clean up the mess. |
| 28 |
Fix yourself a snack and
relax within a comfortable chair. |
| 29 |
Decide to teach your Golden
sit & stay first thing in the morning. |
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I WILL NOT wash the face of every child in the world with my
tongue. 
