Below is a short version of the way that I teach children and adults to think better. That's because, if you THINK better, you will FEEL better. This approach, Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, was created by the incredible Dr. Albert Ellis. And, the fun ideas that follow come from the crazy way that Dr. Tom Miller has of doing REBT.

Us *wise* adults teach children that, "Sticks and stones can break your bones. But, words can never hurt you." Of course, 99% of the world doesn't really believe that. They think words hurt, and that we should never hurt people’s feelings by saying such things. But, that causes lots of people to be upset lots of the time.

Did you know that when people get themselves upset they are suffering from . . . .

I Can’t Stand It-itis & Musterbation or are Awfulizing and Shoulding on themselves

1. First, let’s have some fun by making a modified Johnny Carson Scale. Think back to when Johnny Carson had his late night talk show. Remember, Johnny’s monologue, when he would say to the audience, “Boy, it was hot in California today” and the audience would respond, “HOW HOT WAS IT?” Well, this scale will help with “HOW BAD IS IT?”

2. On a lined piece of paper, list on the left side of your paper (going down), the numbers 100, 95, 90, 85, 80, …, 5, 3, and finally number 1.

Now, on a separate sheet, list some events that would cause you emotional distress. Include things like car breaking down, losing wallet, smashing new car, passing gas at a party, losing job, best friend hates you, lister flames you in front of all, Golden diagnosed with cancer, child fails grade, being abandoned by fellow listers you believed to be friends, husband cheating on you, etc. Now, just in case you didn’t include certain events, be sure to realize the following: The worst thing that could possibly happen (a 100!) would be to have your entire family (2 & 4-legged) tortured and killed in front of your eyes, with you helpless to intercede. From there, you should be able to gage what a “1” would look like.

3. Go back and plug in these written events to match your numbers listed on your first sheet. For example, 100 -  Family tortured & killed in front of you, you can do nothing to stop it, etc., down to 1.

4. Now, let’s truly consider how terrible, horrible, awful, horrendous, catastrophic it is to experience the wrath of some fellow listers. Where did you place that event? Was it a 5? Was it a 50? And, just to let you know, if you didn’t know already, the emotional pain in suffering a death to a loved family member is far greater and longer lasting than that for smashing a car or feeling humiliated or hurt by one you believed to be your friend. That’s why it would always get a higher number.

5. But, there’s another important aspect to this little exercise. And, that is what you tell yourself about this event. Were you telling yourself that it was horrid, terrible, awful, and that you just COULDN’T STAND IT? Well, I hate to tell you, unless that event has killed you (and that’s not possible if you are reading this now), you actually already did stand it. Or, were you SHOULDING ON YOURSELF? You know, like…..I should always be polite. I should never make mistakes. I should always do for others before myself. I should always have my Golden well groomed. I should always have a clean house if someone is coming over. I should always be there when anyone needs me. And, so on. Of course, you may have been MUSTERBATING. Read further to learn about this wonderful ailment!

6. Please remember we are being extremely logical and rational about this type of cognitive or thinking strategy. There are very few things we MUST do and have no choice about. We pay taxes out of choice, because we don’t like the consequences. The only real MUST’s are dying and those dealing with the laws of physics (while we are on earth). That is, if you go up on the roof and jump, you MUST go down. The rational component for must is to not demand. If you were a genie, you could just demand things happen, and they would. Or if you ran the whole universe, you could also have your way. But, let’s be rational, and try to sign the following statement to help shield against MUSTERBATION or SHOULDING on yourself:

I, BEING OF SOUND MIND AND BODY, DO FULLY REALIZE AND ADMIT THAT I DO NOT, HAVEN’T EVER, AND WON’T EVER RUN THE UNIVERSE.

                         Signature: ______________________     Date:  __________________

Oh, I forgot to tell you! MUST has 5 WICKED WITCH SISTERS: They are SHOULD, OUGHT, HAVE TO, GOT TO, AND NEED TO. But, have no fear, you can combat them with these GOOD WITCH SUBSTITUTES: WISHING, WANTING, PREFERRING, DESIRING, PRACTICALITIES, SENSIBILITIES, IT WOULD BE BETTER IFS, ETHICS, MORALS, VALUES, etc.

7. Now, there are 3 ways to musterbate. You can be 1-ing it, 2-ing it, or 3-ing it.

1 = I MUST . . . .
2 = YOU MUST . . . .
3 = THE WORLD MUST . . . .

If you are 1-ing it, then you are telling yourself that I MUST (NEED TO) GET LOTS OF LOVE, APPROVAL AND ACCEPTANCE ‘AND’ I MUST (NEED TO) BEHAVE VERY COMPETENTLY. IF I DON’T, IT’S AWFUL AND I CAN’T STAND IT, BECAUSE THEN I GET TURNED INTO A SH_ _.  Doing this causes these wonderful emotions: hurt or inferiority/inadequacy, anxiety, and/or depression.

If you are 2-ing it, then you may be telling yourself that YOU MUST BEHAVE IN A REASONABLE AND COMPETENT MANNER, AND TREAT ME WITH RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION!!! WHEN YOU DON’T, IT’S AWFUL AND I CAN’T STAND IT, YOU ARE ____________***, AND DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED!!! This is called other-blaming, which causes you to feel anger, hostility and/or resentment.

If you 2-ing it, but turning this belief in on yourself, and thus failing to live up to it, you are doing self-blaming. This causes you to feel guilty, and looks like this: I ‘MUST’ BEHAVE IN A REASONABLE AND COMPETENT MANNER, AND TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION!!! WHEN YOU DON’T, IT’S AWFUL AND I CAN’T STAND IT. I AM __________***, AND DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED!!!

If you are 3-ing it, then you are telling yourself MY LIFE MUST BE COMFORTABLE AND EASY. WHEN IT ISN’T, IT’S AWFUL, AND I CAN’T STAND IT!!! This is just a demand for internal comfort. We have lots of demands, or some people look at it as questions. Check off which of the following you suffer from (now be honest!):

These demands are all followed by “when it isn’t/doesn’t, it’s awful, and I can’t stand it!!!

___  1.  My world must be fair!

___  2.  My world must be safe!

___  3.  My world must be kind!

___  4.  My world must be like I want it or expect it to be!

___  5.  My world must make sense!

___  6.  My world must be predictable!


These questions also trap you because you blame the world and at the same time conclude that there is nothing you can do about it. Just sit and wait and see if the world changes. Just sit and be miserable and grumpy, hoping things improve.

___  7.  Why me?

___  8.  What did I do to deserve this?

___  9.  Why must life be so hard?

___ 10.  Why doesn’t this stop?

___ 11.  What did I do wrong?

___ 12.  Why was I born so ugly, stupid, poor,…?