Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Most dogs are earnest, which is why most people like them. You can say any fool thing to a dog & the dog will give you this look that says, “My G-d, you’re right! I NEVER would have thought of that!”

Our dogs’ most important duty, of course, is barking. They use the energy-conserving Two-Dog Alternating Bark Procedure: a deep BARK from Earnest, followed immediately by a high, irritating yip! from Zippy, followed immediately by another BARK, and so on BARK yip! BARK yip! for several days, if necessary. They implement this procedure whenever their keen senses detect that one of the following Danger Red Alert situations has occurred: 1) Somebody is at the door; 2) Nobody is at the door; 3) Another dog — any dog, anywhere in the universe — is barking; or 4) None of the above.